Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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