Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
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