i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
