So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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