Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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