I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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