Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
