After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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