What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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