Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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