Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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