i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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