I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
