Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
that is very illegal...i love you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
