I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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