Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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