I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize