he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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