It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
