You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
