I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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