What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
