Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I need to calm my uterus...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize