Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
