The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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