Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize