the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
