im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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