eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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