Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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