i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im six kinds of drunk right now
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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