Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
