So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
