yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
