Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
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