apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
