It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
