I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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