I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
