And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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