My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
