and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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