theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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