I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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