mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
