Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
