Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
