When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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