she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize