i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
