I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
