i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
