My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize