At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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