meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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