im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
