I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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