I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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