Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He did a backflip because drugs
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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