It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
