I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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