So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
