well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
cat food counts as protein by the way
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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