I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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