Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
