I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
