we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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