i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
