After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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