I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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